The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things.

This is definitely a film which shouldn't fire you up, but it should hit you like a tonne of bricks. There are so many films that I have reviewed which have not had a 100% serious tone all the way through, but The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, is an emotional train wreck. This isn't something that you can watch over and over again. I have seen this film three times now, and each time I have watched this, it makes me feel dirty and vile. Why? Because you see this drugged up and fucked up single mother disrespecting herself but also her son. For the most part she doesn't care what really happens to him, but at the same time, she gets constantly used and abused and in the end she has no one...but her young son. 


So here's the run down. Asia Argento portrays Sarah who just possesses everything that is wrong with the world. She gave birth to a son called Jeremiah but he was taken to live with foster parents. But now she has him back. So while Sarah is off screwing a guy she barely knows, Jeremiah is just trying to work out what is going on in his life with his 23 year old mother. He doesn't understand it, but it starts to take over his life and he seems to think that is the norm, and he does begin to adjust to it. So in other words it's a disgusting mother and son journey which at the end will leave you right back where you started at the beginning of the film. While this film doesn't achieve the normal standards in terms of an ending of a film, it just makes you think. It makes you think, what the hell is going to happen to this kid when he gets older. How is all of this going to affect him? As much as I hate his mother, there are small times where you can see this conflicted young woman who wouldn't have turned out this way if it wasn't for her extremely religious upbringing which turned her to drugs. 

Asia Argento is beyond vile in this film. And that is exactly how we are supposed to see her. Her character Sarah grew up in an extremely religious house, it kinda remind's me of the Westboro Baptist Church. Obviously she gave birth to Jeremiah when she was a teenager, and wasn't able to look after him. When she eventually gets Jeremiah back from the foster family she just unbalances everything her son knows about life. She is extremely erratic because of the drug and alcohol abuse. She has extremely clouded judgement when it comes to men. She gets into relationships with men who clearly just see her for sex and they mistreat her and Jeremiah. When all her relationships end, she instantly blames Jeremiah, she doesn't even bother to look at the disgusting person she has become over the years because of all the substance abuse. Now as much as I hate her character in this film there are small moments where Sarah legitimately shows affection to her son. She knows after all the men who treat her horribly she only has one person left in her life who loves her and that is Jeremiah. There are moments where you see a tiny connection between them, and it can look extremely simple yet sweet. But then a tidal wave of depravity and viciousness washes over those sweet moments, and you remember why you hate her so much. She constantly lies to Jeremiah to make him think she is the only person he can truly depend on. 

The story of Jeremiah is a sad one. He lived with his foster parents who truly loved and made him feel appreciated and didn't seem to mistreat him. All that love was shattered when his real mum came and took him back into her loathsome life. During the first half of the film you can see he is unsure on how to act around his mother because she is so hot and cold with him. But he realises how she wants him to be, and at times he just goes along with it, because it is the only thing that protects him from her wrath. From a young age he has seen a lot, and while he still maintains an innocence about him, it is frightening to think how he may turn out to be. At the beginning of the film you see this little boy who just doesn't understand and agree to what his mother is doing and what she is putting him through. But at the end of the film, it's obvious he loves her and hates her and needs her in his life as much as she needs him. 

Asia Argento did a great job with not only portraying Sarah, but also writing the screenplay and directing this film. She really makes it clear of what kind of disgusting people are out there, and how we stand idly by and let them get away with the things they do. Argento delves into a lot of issues in this film, and I am not going to lie, by the end of it, you will feel drained, and you may feel a bit disgusted and down. It hits you like a tonne of bricks, because of the honesty and brutality of life, that some have to endure more than others.  If you watch this film and don't like it, because of the graphic content and find that too hard to watch, then that is understandable. But if you do not like this film for trivial reasons or plot holes or finding certain issues of this film unbelievable. Then you need to get out into the real world and ACTUALLY open your eyes. I am not saying that this film is the be all and end all of brutally honest films, because it isn't. But it is certainly an underrated piece of cinema, which deserves to be looked at with a clear and open mind. 

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, is a film I have tried to get people to watch many times. I have told quite a few people about it, and they have given me several reasons why they don't want to watch. The main one is that Asia Argento is 'riding the coat tails' of what her dad has achieved in cinema and trying to copy what he has done. Firstly Dario Argento is a master of the Giallo genre. But Asia has branched off and done her own thing with this film. Sure it portrays horror, but not what the average film goer thinks horror is. This film portrays real life horror, the things we have to endure every single day. This is about the people who are in bad situations, they are so deep into these disgusting and horrible things, that they cannot drag themselves out of. That in some ways can possess more 'horror' than any Giallo film. Another reason is when I have showed people the cover of the DVD they say, 'oh that looks shit'. We are all guilty of doing that, but I think we need to stop doing that especially when it is clearly something we haven't heard anything about. 

Go into this film with an open mind and watch it for the dirtiness that it is. This film isn't meant to entertain you the same way a run of the mill Hollywood blockbuster does. If anything this film should make you question why we do these vile things to each other, and in the end what do we achieve from it? 

The True Puppet Master part one

Aloha boils and ghouls,
Every now and then I have a nostalgia explosion, wether it be watching beetlejuice for the millionth time, buying special edition barbie dolls or collecting Ghost Busters merchandise, above those things my mind always trails back to one thing. Jim Henson. He is a genius and in my opinion an advocator of practical special effects ( which i feel strongly about). He did wonders for my imagination and made me truly believe in the personalities of inanimate  objects. I love everything that he has done, starting with sesame street then  evolving into the muppets (who are a particular obsession of mine) and then this crazy shit happened.

.. and scared the absolute shit out of me.

Honestly though I loved every second of it. As soon as the darker world of Jim Henson was opened to me I was never truly the same and I dont think any of us were. Ask anyone who was born in the mid to late 80s, if they were freaked out by The Dark Crystal and they will say that it still freaks them out. Back in the day when kids films could be about the genocide of a peaceful race, kidnapping babies and adult men wearing tights falling in love with teenage girls, we were able to watch some pretty messed up stuff without any guilt or consequence because they were meant for us. Lets take a moment to look at the best of these darker Henson productions.

The Labyrinth.

Aside from having the best goddamn poster ever, this movie was the bees knees. Jennifer Connolly was a fox and I totally related to her angst. It is also what I credit for introducing me to David Bowie, in which case this film needs a medal just for that. I never had the hots for him though, he had weird hair and wanted to hang out with stupid weird little dudes. I wanted a fizgig and a Hoggle and a Didimus but I didnt want my head ripped off by a Fiery. It never really occurred to me that most of these characters were being controlled by someone else, they were mechanical or they were puppets with someone's hand up their bums. Henson's team could do amazing things with voice, movement and design, these little puppets and animated props were some of the best actors I had ever seen. The first scene that got my attention was such a small one. It was when she had just said the words to take Toby away and the crying stops, she walks over to the crib and the blanket starts shaking and giggling like a weird demon *shudder* it gets me every time, The rest of the movie is hilarious though even with these crazy critters.

Even though these guys want to rip off your head for their own amusment, they do it in a funky and fun way that almost makes you wish she was more cooperative so he could join in the dance. The whole adventure was unbelievable, the set design, the character design even the way they made you believe the entire labyrinth was so massive. The best example I can think of of a really clever prop device that spun me right the fuck out was this.

This at first looks like an animation which very noticeably is a visage of King Jareth's face and then suddenly.

Frikkin cool!! It was two rocks made to a particular size and shape and placed in a particular spot in a particular angle to force our perspective. It was only meant to be a half a second clip that shows you that Jareth is watching them, it just goes to show the attention to detail that Henson studios had and how powerful their imagination was that they would put so much effort into something so small. Also this.

You really smelt that didnt you? If the name" The Bog Of Eternal Stench" wasn't enough you had little puddles of filth coming up for air every now and then, each with a little prolapsed rectum that came out and farted. Brilliantly gross. It wasnt all decapitation and poisened fruit there was also an unmistakable 80s glamour to this movie that made it feel like a rock opera. It was ever so slightly a musical anyway and the grand ball scene made me want to be as pretty as Jennifer Connolly.

 And the end song by David Bowie broke my heart.

" You've run so long.

You've run so far.
Your eyes can be so cruel,
Just as I can be so cruel,
Oh I do believe in you.
Yes I do.

Live without your sunlight.
Love without your heartbeat.
(Falsetto) I... I...
Can't.. live.. within.. you..."

Oh man, you realize right at that moment that he is a man who is hardly capable of love, but he loves her with everything he has to give, The only way that he knew how to get someone to care about him was through fear so he tried to control her, but she is stubborn and strong and loved her brother far more than she was facinated by him and he was deeply hurt by her rejection. This was my introduction to the complexity of love and it always makes me sad. 

Far more than a silly movie with puppets. The Labyrinth is a well concieved fantasy adventure, created by very talented people and loved by adults and children everywhere. It taught us about family, love, loyalty, friendship, how you can be special even though you're a weird girl who talks to herself and it taught you the usefulness of determination. The Labyrinth is about growing up but never forgetting the things that were magical when you were a child and not being ashamed that you need them still. I grew up watching this film and I will grow old watching this film as well because I am a child full of imagination at heart. All thanks to Jim Henson. So should you need a bit of a jolt back into childhood wonder, give him a call.

Stay tuned for part 2

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark Crystal.

The Power Of Jeff Bridges

Lets all fill a hall or something. Wait, lets fill something bigger. Something like a stadium of some sort. Lets fill it full of randoms (don't ask me the hows, tell them that were giving away joker dollars or something).
We get up, ask those randoms who have seen a film with Jeff Bridges.
Everyone bar the babies raise their hand, dont hold it against the babies though.

Whether or not you even like movies, or have only seen a few in your life, chances are you either know, or have seen a film with Jeff Bridges in it. The guys in everything. He has dominated his way across the planet and managed to weasel his way into eveyones home via their tv's or whatever since the late 50's. Hell we even know his brother and father, we're clued into his FAMILY people!

I can remember watching King Kong (1976) when I was a wee babbie, and loving it of course, although completely baffled and confused as to what the dad from Beethoven was doing in the jungle chasing Kong, like Beethoven was the least of his problems. This was followed by Tron and Starman, before I was ten, and before I had any idea who Jeff Bridges was.
Like I said, before I was ten.

This is the guy.

The same shit is happening now! I'm going to the movies 20 years later with the cinema being packed full of children, watching movies like Tron: Legacy and Iron Man. It's amazing that I can still go see a film with Jeff Bridges, and he's got just as much presence as he did in the 80's and before. We all knew he stole the movie from everyone else in Tron: Legacy.

My hope is that these kids will grow up, watch Iron Man when they are 20 and then go, hey that bald goatee guy was tits, what else is that crazy bastard from? Then stumble across The Big Lebowski, Bad Company, Stay Hungry (oh man, go fucking watch that please), or The Fisher King.

As a fan of his work, I generally give anything he does the benefit of the doubt. I even watched Seabiscuit, which I'll have you know is not too bad, all it needed was every other actor to be on par with Bridges, then it would have been a more interesting film.
Sometimes I'll just scan the DVD shops and bargain bins, and if I see either Nick Nolte, James Woods, Eric Roberts or Jeff Bridges, among others, chances are I'll be buying that shit. 8 Million Ways To Die was found in this manner.

I put it like this, say if you are a fan of Walter Hill, and you love the usuals, films like The Warriors, 48 Hours, or even Streets of Fire, you want more, so you seek out his lesser known films. You wind up with his best. Films like Southern Comfort, Extreme Prejudice, and The Long Riders. Then your journey as a fan gets more exciting, and you try to see if there are more up his sleeve.
This is how it is with 8 Million Ways To Die.

Jeff Bridges plays Matt Scudder, a disgraced alcaholic who used to be on the police force and is now just a  burnt out half assed PI. He confusingly gets caught up with Rosanna Arquette, Stephanie from Baywatch, a livid Andy Garcia, and Tiny fuckin Lister. Its based on the book by Lawrence Block, and is the only adaptation made about the character of Matt Scudder for the screen. It was Andy Garcia's first leading role, and Oliver Stone wrote the motherfucker.

The only movie you will ever see Jeff Bridges and Andy Garcia eating Snow-Cones.

This article isn't so much about the movie, as it is about Jeff Bridges, and how awesome he is. I don't need to write a review on this film or anything, if it was shit I would have put the DVD back in its place, forgotten about it, had a laugh, not bothering about wasting my time writing an article. All you need to know is that Bridges is awesome in it, Steph from Baywatch is high for most of it, and Rosanna Arquette is a hottie.
Basically its a case of a whole heap of awesome things coming together to make an awesome film, and luckily none of these awesome things cancel eachother out. It's more like a firestorm, when a bunch of scary ass fires come together, and collide to make the perfect fire.

My hope is that you stopped reading as soon as you saw the Snow Cone picture, and either went straight to ebay or to your local DVD outlet to either hire or purchase this movie. Hell, while you are there, go and buy a whole heap of others that you probably haven't seen of his.
Go have yourself a Bridgeathon, and thank me later.

"That's right, Morgan Freeman as Mandela, I got the oscar for being a country and western singer."

And as much as I said before that this isnt a review on 8 Million Ways To Die, I still want everyone reading this to watch it if they havent already, so heres the trailer for it, which hopefully entices you even more.

DEATHMATCH: George Tutman VS Mike Windgren

It's a dark night, the waves crash against the shore, and a swirl of smoke from a nearby bonfire stings the nostrils. The smell of blood is in the air, the heat of battle is upon us, and Acapulco will never be the same...

That's right.

And tonight they fight in...

THE LIVING FOREST!!!!!!!!!

This commonly used fighting ground is in a little known area in Acapulco, close by the beach, and plays host to a lot of deathmatches. Today's gladiators have chosen this site over the beach, due to possible public humiliation, should either party (or both) lose the fight.

Lets look at the stats.

MIKE WINDGREN

He has awesome hair.

He can sing.

He can dive 136 feet off a cliff and land safely in the water.

He can play the guitar like a madman.

Most of all HE CAN FIGHT!!!

GEORGE TUTMAN
He has awesome hair.
He can cook.
He has fought Jimmy Hitler, and won.
He is brutal.
He is a well regarded underground Wrestler.
Oh yes sir he can FIGHT!!!!




The local asian elderly squad are flapping wads of cash at eachother, and the local police force are also getting in ont he action, viciously anticipating the fight.
The surly burly Gil Bradley stated the following earlier today at lunch:
"Windgren is $19.20 to win by KO or TKO, whilst underdog Tutman has quickly risen from $0.10 to $1.16. The money says that not only will Tutman win, but he'll win by putting Windgren on the canvas violently. Maybe even put him in the ground, six feet under, if you get my drift."


You heard it right folks, the money speaks for itself. Windgren with his smooth silky voice and gyrating hips, may not have what it takes to best the brash, unpredictable whirlwind that is George Tutman.

Well, folks it was a pretty quick fight. Windgren stepped into the ring, launched a full scale attack, slamming into Tutman full force. The dirty tackle threw Tutman to the ground, but unscathed, the tenacious Tutman threw his warty foot straight into Windgrens testicles. A dirty shot I know, but effective nonetheless. Windgren, whilst stumbling in obvious pain towards the corner of the ring, was set upon by the rabid Tutman who ran after him and began to thump him fair and square in the lower spinal region repeatedly.

Windgren fell, and was soon pinned down by Tutman, for the full duration, losing the fight and his rockabilly dignity along with it. He was then dragged off the ring by George and his brother Michael, and thrown in the back of a blue van.

Bad luck for Mike Windgren, good luck for the energetic, if somewhat odd fellow George Tutman. 

P.S: Watch BLOOD DINER.
P.P.S: Follow up BLOOD DINER with FUN IN ACAPULCO, but only if you are in a really bad mood.