Tuff Turf: An Underrated Joy of 80's Teen Dramas

When it's late at night and I can't sleep, I often wonder about the important things in life; the things that really matter. I wonder about whether 'Kickboxer' will ever be uncut again and available on DVD or if Kurt Russell and Sylvestor Stallone will answer my prayers and team up for 'Tango and Cash 2: Bigger, Badder and Bloodier'. But there is one thought that has haunted me for a long time...What would happen if the movies 'The Karate Kid' and 'Savage Streets' decided they wanted to make love and have a baby? What 80's awesomeness would a fiend like me hope these two films create? Well there is only one possible answer to this...'Tuff Turf.

The storyline is something that has been used a lot in films, but that doesn't mean to say it's a boring take on the matter. Here we have Morgan(James Spader) who is a smart kid, plays by his own rules, and doesn't have too many friends. He moves to a new town and encounters the school bullies, and just so happens to fall head over heels in love for the long haired barbie, Frankie(Kim Richards), who happens to be dating king of the bullies and ultimate douche-bag Nick(Paul Mones). While Morgan is not busy hiding his boner, I mean feelings for Frankie, he is also making friends with the greasy, and possibly drugged up drummer Jimmy(Robert Downey Jr).  Jimmy is a realiable pal, who tells Morgan how it is on Nick's turf and how he needs to stop overstepping his boundaries with Frankie. Throughout the film we see Morgan constantly try to woo Frankie, and while she may seem like an ice maiden on the outisde, it is revealed that this appearingly shallow person actually does have a soft heart...And the only way that Morgan could get into her heart is by doing what any normal person would do; Crash a posh country club, get on the piano and sing a song called 'I Walk the Night'...and with lyrics such as 'I feel your face, I hear your eyes. I know the nights that you've cried, but we still survive', who wouldn't fall for his charms

Now you are probably thinking, 'This sounds so lame and cheesy'; and you may be right about the cheesy part, but hear me out. While it has some cringeworthy parts, you cannot help but love what director, Fritz Kiersh was trying to do. He managed to balance drama, comedy, and violence extremely well considering some of the cheesy scenes in the film. This is a lot of fun, and it doesn't try to preach to you the importance of it's themes, it just makes them aware in your psyche and you can do what you like with them. While a lot of people out there do love 80's teen flicks like 'The Breakfast Club' and 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off', they tend to pick and choose which of these film has credibility and which has just plain cheese. The 80's was a wonderfully cheesy era of film, regardless of the genre and I'd say in just about every 80's movie there may be at LEAST one slightly cringeworthy moment. The 70's films, regardless of genre had more of an intense feel to them and a grimy appeal which didn't seem to care if it offended you; those kind of films wanted to wake their audiences up. Whereas the 80's had a lot more to do with putting a strong sense of emotion out there and conveying it to the audience. Films like 'Tuff Turf' were just as relevent to the 1980's as 'Sixteen Candles' was.

'Tuff Turf' is a great example of a teen flick which just has all the elements that has made the genre cliche. Firstly you have the unattainable popular girl which the new 'loser' kid at school could never date because she is dating or she dated the possessive 'king of the douches' and he won't let her out of his sight. The first act of the film usually has the protagonist chasing or pining over said person and doing just about anything to get noticed, and while they think nothing could ever come of them, BANG they do something which touches their heart, a letter, a song or a cute and embarrassing gesture usually does the trick. And while all this is going on, they manage to fit in a scene where teens are dancing at an 'underground' club and everything is perfectly choregraphed. But you have to make sure 'King of the Douches' believes he is in control because he beat up the new kid for panting in the sun over his lady friend. And in the end it usually boils down to a fight over the girl, or there is some kind of emotional speech which 100% wins over the girl, and then the credits roll to a really awesome B grade song by some band that had one famous song. These are simple elements, but they work well and have been used many times over and were rehashed in the late 90's and early 2000 flicks such as 'She's All That' and '10 Things I Hate About You'. While not every single teen flick has all the elements, they do have enough to tie them all together to put them in that genre and make them similar one way or another.

'Tuff Turf' is one of those underrated 80's gems like 'Thrashin'  and 'The Last American Virgin' which was forgotten in the midst of the John Hughes fog. It can definitely appeal to both chicks AND dudes, because it has romance, it has fighting, normal themes that teenagers can relate to but exaggerated a tad to come across as more 'alive' on screen. And it works, because you will get a great time with this film, and if you are an 80's movie fiend like myself, you will be charged up, you will probably go on a search for more movies like this which may end up leading you to 1980's revenge teen flicks, and more importantly you will want to watch James Spader's performance of 'I Walk the Night' over and over again. This film knows exactly what it is, and it takes you on one of the most entertaining and unintentionally hilarious 80's rides you have been on. It hasn't aged the best in terms of production value, but it has a strong and easy to follow structure. Take 'Tuff Turf' for what it is and just enjoy it for that very reason; if you apply that kind of mentality to all movies, your movie viewing will be a hell of a lot more enjoyable.

Fabio Testi's Big Four! This Week...REVOLVER!!!

Every now and then, I'll be scanning my DVD collection like a cyborg, trying to find a movie that has everything I am in the mood for. This usually means a movie with copious amounts of graphic violence, car chases, sex scenes, horror elements, intense toughened bastards who slap people back and forth, yelling, cool music, shotgun blasts, drama, excitement, evil bad guys, revenge, and high adventure.

So I'll generally stop scanning once I hit the Italian section of my DVD shelves. And i'll either chuck on some Franco Nero, or Ill chuck on some Fabio Testi, If i'm not in the mood for Italian, I'll chuck on some Oliver Reed or James Woods.
So Franco's got his stamp on the westerns, and dare I say, made a better gunslinger out of Keoma and Django that any of his American counterparts.
Fabio, like Luc Merenda and Tomas Milian, has got his mark on the hardened Italian crime thrillers, otherwise known as Poliziotteschi.

Speaking of which, heres Tomas Milian, just for the fuck of it.One day I'll do a big four about him.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to hit you guys up with Fabio Testi's BIG FOUR. That is, his best four films in the Poliziotteschi genre. Revolver, Contraband, The Heroin Busters, and The Big Racket.

So, Revolver ey? Whats it all about? Well I'll tell you.
Vito, a gruff prison warden (Oliver Reed) comes home to find his beloved wife has been kidnapped. In order to get her back unharmed, the warden must break Milo Ruiz, a petty criminal (Fabio Testi) out of jail and deliver him to the kidnappers. But it's not that easy. Vito is constantly tricked and set up, with his wife becoming further away with each progressive step. He finds that he is not only at risk of losing his wife, but he is also at the risk of losing his very mind.

Sergio Sollima (the director) made an interesting comment about the film in the mini-documentary on the DVD. He mentioned that he doesn't consider the film to be anything but a drama about two people, with crime, and thriller elements surrounding them.
He, of course, is right. As the movie goes on, you travel across europe with a macarbe version of the odd couple. You end up being more invested in how they are going to deal with each other, rather than how Vito is going to deal with finding his wife. This is kind of the point. Without spoiling anything, the seemingly abrupt ending with leave you with a short case of the 'hey, hang on what does it all means', but after that passes, the clouds part and complete clarity shines its pretty little way through.

The movie is pumped along by Ennio Morricone, who once again delivers a wicked pulse shattering score, which some of you Inglourious Basterds fans may recognise instantly.

I have to mention aswell that Fabio Testi has some awesome shirts in this film.

Seriously, he looks like Robin Hood.

Anyway, how the hell can you pass this film up? It's got Oliver Reed pointing, yelling and threatening people (which is mind bogglingly awesome, considering he's english, playing an italian prison warden, with an American accent which slips when he gets angry), he beats people up, he slaps them around, gut punches Fabio a number of times (and from what i can tell, it seems like he was drunk enough to land a few on some of the actors for real) and just all round kicks all kinds of ass.
It's got all of the things I mentioned at the beginning of the article, minus the horror element, but that depends on what you class as horror.

What may come across as a wild unorganised shenanigan at the start of the film, slowly but surely becomes a tightly woven and intricate shenanigan by the end of it, and I'll guarantee you that long after the movie ends, it will fill your thoughts. There aren't any 'bad guys', or 'good guys' in this film, just 'guys' with a shitty moral compass.
You gotta watch it. Lest you want Oliver Reed pointing at you.

 

I have put the trailer below for you to watch its got that familiar music in it, and may be a bit spoilery, but you will forget that when you are watching the film! Turn it up and enjoy!

See you next week with CONTRABAND (AKA: THE NAPLES CONNECTION) In the meantime, what's your favorite Fabio Testi film? Comment below!

Father's Day...Holy Mother Of God, What Did I Just Watch?

I've kinda been sitting here for a little while now, eating my breakfast, sipping my coffee, staring through the computer screen as if its not there, kind of like a zombie, wondering how in the living hell I can reccommend the movie I saw last night to ANYONE.
Sure as hell can't reccommend it to my mum.

The movie I saw was Fathers Day.
Now the plot kind of goes like this:
A rapist/serial killer is on the loose. A dad rapist. As in, a rapist that only rapes dads.
In order to stop the fiend once and for all, a team is formed, consisting of a male street whore, a priest, a stripper and a one-eyed vigilante with a score to settle.
It's truly a lot more fucked up than it sounds, but awesome, and funny.

Its got this manic vibe to it, with the gleefully obvious grindhouse tributes, the over the top violence, the crazy unrelenting and unpredictable plot, and awesome AWESOME music. I can't go on about the film too much without spoiling it, but I will say that it needs to be seen.
The makers of the film are a team called Astron-6: (like them here: http://www.facebook.com/astron6?ref=ts&fref=ts) and we actually had the pleasure of viewing Father's Day with their other film Manborg.
The good thing about this, was that Manborg set the tone for the kind of humor and craziness and led you willingly into the dark dungeon that was Father's Day. If they showed Father's Day straight off the bat, I think some of the more uninitiated would have either puked, or walked out (it was showing in a double at the Luna which is an arthouse cinema, where arty-farty types have nothing to do on a saturday except spend their money on a movie they have no qualms about walking out of, then blaming Luna for not telling them it wasnt about a rickshaw operator in Turkey having it off with an ex Nazi in the 60's, that's leederville for ya!).

So Manborg was another piece of awesome in its own right, but even though it eased you in, it still can't prepare you for the onslaught that is Father's Day.

It honestly is a movie with everything.
You've got:
Dick Biting,
Strippers
Guns,
Eye-Patches,
Toxic Berries,
Unapologetic Gore,
Penis head cutting,
Stop-Motion Animation,
Ancient Tomes,
Car Chases,
Chainsaws,

I honestly could go on, and on, and on, but like I said, this is a spoiler free zone.
The gore is so outrageously intense at times that it may prompt you to look away, or laugh, depending on who you are. Me? I laughed. Man I laughed my goddamn ass off.

Regarding the violent and nasty content throughout, there has naturally been a bit of bullshit in regards to censorship, especially in Australia, and in light of this, the film has had to forego numerous cuts. Whilst Troma initially handled the release and distribution overseas, Monster Films has been handling it here, trying their hardest for us to get to see it, even though the Australian Government are being stooges about it.

Now I don't know if any of you Podcastrators out there have seen the film at all, but from what I can tell, and from what I have heard on the internets, it doesnt seem like much could have or would have been cut (although that may come off as quite a naive statement considering what the movie is like) The penis head cutting scene, mentioned before, seemed rather intact, but from what I heard, it was cut for the Australian release.
Feel free to comment below if you have seen an uncut version and would care to enlighten me!

Cuts aside, it was an awesome, funny, violent and energetic film, and I can not wait to see it again.
To buy it, just import it for now. However if you really want to support the guys at Astron-6, and Monster Films for all their efforts, buy the DVD when it eventually comes out in Australia, and do what you can to ensure that we keep indie horror alive and kicking.

As a final little thing, big thumbs up to Astron-6 for slipping in a Franco Nero portrait on the wall. Good lads.

Here is the trailer for your viewing pleasure!

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things.

This is definitely a film which shouldn't fire you up, but it should hit you like a tonne of bricks. There are so many films that I have reviewed which have not had a 100% serious tone all the way through, but The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, is an emotional train wreck. This isn't something that you can watch over and over again. I have seen this film three times now, and each time I have watched this, it makes me feel dirty and vile. Why? Because you see this drugged up and fucked up single mother disrespecting herself but also her son. For the most part she doesn't care what really happens to him, but at the same time, she gets constantly used and abused and in the end she has no one...but her young son. 


So here's the run down. Asia Argento portrays Sarah who just possesses everything that is wrong with the world. She gave birth to a son called Jeremiah but he was taken to live with foster parents. But now she has him back. So while Sarah is off screwing a guy she barely knows, Jeremiah is just trying to work out what is going on in his life with his 23 year old mother. He doesn't understand it, but it starts to take over his life and he seems to think that is the norm, and he does begin to adjust to it. So in other words it's a disgusting mother and son journey which at the end will leave you right back where you started at the beginning of the film. While this film doesn't achieve the normal standards in terms of an ending of a film, it just makes you think. It makes you think, what the hell is going to happen to this kid when he gets older. How is all of this going to affect him? As much as I hate his mother, there are small times where you can see this conflicted young woman who wouldn't have turned out this way if it wasn't for her extremely religious upbringing which turned her to drugs. 

Asia Argento is beyond vile in this film. And that is exactly how we are supposed to see her. Her character Sarah grew up in an extremely religious house, it kinda remind's me of the Westboro Baptist Church. Obviously she gave birth to Jeremiah when she was a teenager, and wasn't able to look after him. When she eventually gets Jeremiah back from the foster family she just unbalances everything her son knows about life. She is extremely erratic because of the drug and alcohol abuse. She has extremely clouded judgement when it comes to men. She gets into relationships with men who clearly just see her for sex and they mistreat her and Jeremiah. When all her relationships end, she instantly blames Jeremiah, she doesn't even bother to look at the disgusting person she has become over the years because of all the substance abuse. Now as much as I hate her character in this film there are small moments where Sarah legitimately shows affection to her son. She knows after all the men who treat her horribly she only has one person left in her life who loves her and that is Jeremiah. There are moments where you see a tiny connection between them, and it can look extremely simple yet sweet. But then a tidal wave of depravity and viciousness washes over those sweet moments, and you remember why you hate her so much. She constantly lies to Jeremiah to make him think she is the only person he can truly depend on. 

The story of Jeremiah is a sad one. He lived with his foster parents who truly loved and made him feel appreciated and didn't seem to mistreat him. All that love was shattered when his real mum came and took him back into her loathsome life. During the first half of the film you can see he is unsure on how to act around his mother because she is so hot and cold with him. But he realises how she wants him to be, and at times he just goes along with it, because it is the only thing that protects him from her wrath. From a young age he has seen a lot, and while he still maintains an innocence about him, it is frightening to think how he may turn out to be. At the beginning of the film you see this little boy who just doesn't understand and agree to what his mother is doing and what she is putting him through. But at the end of the film, it's obvious he loves her and hates her and needs her in his life as much as she needs him. 

Asia Argento did a great job with not only portraying Sarah, but also writing the screenplay and directing this film. She really makes it clear of what kind of disgusting people are out there, and how we stand idly by and let them get away with the things they do. Argento delves into a lot of issues in this film, and I am not going to lie, by the end of it, you will feel drained, and you may feel a bit disgusted and down. It hits you like a tonne of bricks, because of the honesty and brutality of life, that some have to endure more than others.  If you watch this film and don't like it, because of the graphic content and find that too hard to watch, then that is understandable. But if you do not like this film for trivial reasons or plot holes or finding certain issues of this film unbelievable. Then you need to get out into the real world and ACTUALLY open your eyes. I am not saying that this film is the be all and end all of brutally honest films, because it isn't. But it is certainly an underrated piece of cinema, which deserves to be looked at with a clear and open mind. 

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, is a film I have tried to get people to watch many times. I have told quite a few people about it, and they have given me several reasons why they don't want to watch. The main one is that Asia Argento is 'riding the coat tails' of what her dad has achieved in cinema and trying to copy what he has done. Firstly Dario Argento is a master of the Giallo genre. But Asia has branched off and done her own thing with this film. Sure it portrays horror, but not what the average film goer thinks horror is. This film portrays real life horror, the things we have to endure every single day. This is about the people who are in bad situations, they are so deep into these disgusting and horrible things, that they cannot drag themselves out of. That in some ways can possess more 'horror' than any Giallo film. Another reason is when I have showed people the cover of the DVD they say, 'oh that looks shit'. We are all guilty of doing that, but I think we need to stop doing that especially when it is clearly something we haven't heard anything about. 

Go into this film with an open mind and watch it for the dirtiness that it is. This film isn't meant to entertain you the same way a run of the mill Hollywood blockbuster does. If anything this film should make you question why we do these vile things to each other, and in the end what do we achieve from it? 

The True Puppet Master part one

Aloha boils and ghouls,
Every now and then I have a nostalgia explosion, wether it be watching beetlejuice for the millionth time, buying special edition barbie dolls or collecting Ghost Busters merchandise, above those things my mind always trails back to one thing. Jim Henson. He is a genius and in my opinion an advocator of practical special effects ( which i feel strongly about). He did wonders for my imagination and made me truly believe in the personalities of inanimate  objects. I love everything that he has done, starting with sesame street then  evolving into the muppets (who are a particular obsession of mine) and then this crazy shit happened.

.. and scared the absolute shit out of me.

Honestly though I loved every second of it. As soon as the darker world of Jim Henson was opened to me I was never truly the same and I dont think any of us were. Ask anyone who was born in the mid to late 80s, if they were freaked out by The Dark Crystal and they will say that it still freaks them out. Back in the day when kids films could be about the genocide of a peaceful race, kidnapping babies and adult men wearing tights falling in love with teenage girls, we were able to watch some pretty messed up stuff without any guilt or consequence because they were meant for us. Lets take a moment to look at the best of these darker Henson productions.

The Labyrinth.

Aside from having the best goddamn poster ever, this movie was the bees knees. Jennifer Connolly was a fox and I totally related to her angst. It is also what I credit for introducing me to David Bowie, in which case this film needs a medal just for that. I never had the hots for him though, he had weird hair and wanted to hang out with stupid weird little dudes. I wanted a fizgig and a Hoggle and a Didimus but I didnt want my head ripped off by a Fiery. It never really occurred to me that most of these characters were being controlled by someone else, they were mechanical or they were puppets with someone's hand up their bums. Henson's team could do amazing things with voice, movement and design, these little puppets and animated props were some of the best actors I had ever seen. The first scene that got my attention was such a small one. It was when she had just said the words to take Toby away and the crying stops, she walks over to the crib and the blanket starts shaking and giggling like a weird demon *shudder* it gets me every time, The rest of the movie is hilarious though even with these crazy critters.

Even though these guys want to rip off your head for their own amusment, they do it in a funky and fun way that almost makes you wish she was more cooperative so he could join in the dance. The whole adventure was unbelievable, the set design, the character design even the way they made you believe the entire labyrinth was so massive. The best example I can think of of a really clever prop device that spun me right the fuck out was this.

This at first looks like an animation which very noticeably is a visage of King Jareth's face and then suddenly.

Frikkin cool!! It was two rocks made to a particular size and shape and placed in a particular spot in a particular angle to force our perspective. It was only meant to be a half a second clip that shows you that Jareth is watching them, it just goes to show the attention to detail that Henson studios had and how powerful their imagination was that they would put so much effort into something so small. Also this.

You really smelt that didnt you? If the name" The Bog Of Eternal Stench" wasn't enough you had little puddles of filth coming up for air every now and then, each with a little prolapsed rectum that came out and farted. Brilliantly gross. It wasnt all decapitation and poisened fruit there was also an unmistakable 80s glamour to this movie that made it feel like a rock opera. It was ever so slightly a musical anyway and the grand ball scene made me want to be as pretty as Jennifer Connolly.

 And the end song by David Bowie broke my heart.

" You've run so long.

You've run so far.
Your eyes can be so cruel,
Just as I can be so cruel,
Oh I do believe in you.
Yes I do.

Live without your sunlight.
Love without your heartbeat.
(Falsetto) I... I...
Can't.. live.. within.. you..."

Oh man, you realize right at that moment that he is a man who is hardly capable of love, but he loves her with everything he has to give, The only way that he knew how to get someone to care about him was through fear so he tried to control her, but she is stubborn and strong and loved her brother far more than she was facinated by him and he was deeply hurt by her rejection. This was my introduction to the complexity of love and it always makes me sad. 

Far more than a silly movie with puppets. The Labyrinth is a well concieved fantasy adventure, created by very talented people and loved by adults and children everywhere. It taught us about family, love, loyalty, friendship, how you can be special even though you're a weird girl who talks to herself and it taught you the usefulness of determination. The Labyrinth is about growing up but never forgetting the things that were magical when you were a child and not being ashamed that you need them still. I grew up watching this film and I will grow old watching this film as well because I am a child full of imagination at heart. All thanks to Jim Henson. So should you need a bit of a jolt back into childhood wonder, give him a call.

Stay tuned for part 2

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark Crystal.

The Power Of Jeff Bridges

Lets all fill a hall or something. Wait, lets fill something bigger. Something like a stadium of some sort. Lets fill it full of randoms (don't ask me the hows, tell them that were giving away joker dollars or something).
We get up, ask those randoms who have seen a film with Jeff Bridges.
Everyone bar the babies raise their hand, dont hold it against the babies though.

Whether or not you even like movies, or have only seen a few in your life, chances are you either know, or have seen a film with Jeff Bridges in it. The guys in everything. He has dominated his way across the planet and managed to weasel his way into eveyones home via their tv's or whatever since the late 50's. Hell we even know his brother and father, we're clued into his FAMILY people!

I can remember watching King Kong (1976) when I was a wee babbie, and loving it of course, although completely baffled and confused as to what the dad from Beethoven was doing in the jungle chasing Kong, like Beethoven was the least of his problems. This was followed by Tron and Starman, before I was ten, and before I had any idea who Jeff Bridges was.
Like I said, before I was ten.

This is the guy.

The same shit is happening now! I'm going to the movies 20 years later with the cinema being packed full of children, watching movies like Tron: Legacy and Iron Man. It's amazing that I can still go see a film with Jeff Bridges, and he's got just as much presence as he did in the 80's and before. We all knew he stole the movie from everyone else in Tron: Legacy.

My hope is that these kids will grow up, watch Iron Man when they are 20 and then go, hey that bald goatee guy was tits, what else is that crazy bastard from? Then stumble across The Big Lebowski, Bad Company, Stay Hungry (oh man, go fucking watch that please), or The Fisher King.

As a fan of his work, I generally give anything he does the benefit of the doubt. I even watched Seabiscuit, which I'll have you know is not too bad, all it needed was every other actor to be on par with Bridges, then it would have been a more interesting film.
Sometimes I'll just scan the DVD shops and bargain bins, and if I see either Nick Nolte, James Woods, Eric Roberts or Jeff Bridges, among others, chances are I'll be buying that shit. 8 Million Ways To Die was found in this manner.

I put it like this, say if you are a fan of Walter Hill, and you love the usuals, films like The Warriors, 48 Hours, or even Streets of Fire, you want more, so you seek out his lesser known films. You wind up with his best. Films like Southern Comfort, Extreme Prejudice, and The Long Riders. Then your journey as a fan gets more exciting, and you try to see if there are more up his sleeve.
This is how it is with 8 Million Ways To Die.

Jeff Bridges plays Matt Scudder, a disgraced alcaholic who used to be on the police force and is now just a  burnt out half assed PI. He confusingly gets caught up with Rosanna Arquette, Stephanie from Baywatch, a livid Andy Garcia, and Tiny fuckin Lister. Its based on the book by Lawrence Block, and is the only adaptation made about the character of Matt Scudder for the screen. It was Andy Garcia's first leading role, and Oliver Stone wrote the motherfucker.

The only movie you will ever see Jeff Bridges and Andy Garcia eating Snow-Cones.

This article isn't so much about the movie, as it is about Jeff Bridges, and how awesome he is. I don't need to write a review on this film or anything, if it was shit I would have put the DVD back in its place, forgotten about it, had a laugh, not bothering about wasting my time writing an article. All you need to know is that Bridges is awesome in it, Steph from Baywatch is high for most of it, and Rosanna Arquette is a hottie.
Basically its a case of a whole heap of awesome things coming together to make an awesome film, and luckily none of these awesome things cancel eachother out. It's more like a firestorm, when a bunch of scary ass fires come together, and collide to make the perfect fire.

My hope is that you stopped reading as soon as you saw the Snow Cone picture, and either went straight to ebay or to your local DVD outlet to either hire or purchase this movie. Hell, while you are there, go and buy a whole heap of others that you probably haven't seen of his.
Go have yourself a Bridgeathon, and thank me later.

"That's right, Morgan Freeman as Mandela, I got the oscar for being a country and western singer."

And as much as I said before that this isnt a review on 8 Million Ways To Die, I still want everyone reading this to watch it if they havent already, so heres the trailer for it, which hopefully entices you even more.

DEATHMATCH: George Tutman VS Mike Windgren

It's a dark night, the waves crash against the shore, and a swirl of smoke from a nearby bonfire stings the nostrils. The smell of blood is in the air, the heat of battle is upon us, and Acapulco will never be the same...

That's right.

And tonight they fight in...

THE LIVING FOREST!!!!!!!!!

This commonly used fighting ground is in a little known area in Acapulco, close by the beach, and plays host to a lot of deathmatches. Today's gladiators have chosen this site over the beach, due to possible public humiliation, should either party (or both) lose the fight.

Lets look at the stats.

MIKE WINDGREN

He has awesome hair.

He can sing.

He can dive 136 feet off a cliff and land safely in the water.

He can play the guitar like a madman.

Most of all HE CAN FIGHT!!!

GEORGE TUTMAN
He has awesome hair.
He can cook.
He has fought Jimmy Hitler, and won.
He is brutal.
He is a well regarded underground Wrestler.
Oh yes sir he can FIGHT!!!!




The local asian elderly squad are flapping wads of cash at eachother, and the local police force are also getting in ont he action, viciously anticipating the fight.
The surly burly Gil Bradley stated the following earlier today at lunch:
"Windgren is $19.20 to win by KO or TKO, whilst underdog Tutman has quickly risen from $0.10 to $1.16. The money says that not only will Tutman win, but he'll win by putting Windgren on the canvas violently. Maybe even put him in the ground, six feet under, if you get my drift."


You heard it right folks, the money speaks for itself. Windgren with his smooth silky voice and gyrating hips, may not have what it takes to best the brash, unpredictable whirlwind that is George Tutman.

Well, folks it was a pretty quick fight. Windgren stepped into the ring, launched a full scale attack, slamming into Tutman full force. The dirty tackle threw Tutman to the ground, but unscathed, the tenacious Tutman threw his warty foot straight into Windgrens testicles. A dirty shot I know, but effective nonetheless. Windgren, whilst stumbling in obvious pain towards the corner of the ring, was set upon by the rabid Tutman who ran after him and began to thump him fair and square in the lower spinal region repeatedly.

Windgren fell, and was soon pinned down by Tutman, for the full duration, losing the fight and his rockabilly dignity along with it. He was then dragged off the ring by George and his brother Michael, and thrown in the back of a blue van.

Bad luck for Mike Windgren, good luck for the energetic, if somewhat odd fellow George Tutman. 

P.S: Watch BLOOD DINER.
P.P.S: Follow up BLOOD DINER with FUN IN ACAPULCO, but only if you are in a really bad mood.

The Devils Nightmare...!!!

You know when you were a kid, and you went to some boring as hell family thing, and they are so immersed in their own world that they just plop you infront of a TV and just go 'Have fun!' so that they can go and bitch about the economy to their siblings?

No? Well shit, sorry, you must have missed out on the payoff that this ignorance on the behalf of your parents delivered.

On one such evening, at the tender age of 10, I found an obsession with late night SBS (Special Broadcast Station, otherwise known in Australia as Super Boob Station). This channel used to show all the foreign films and arthouse tripe that you either love or hate, mostly hate. But late on a friday or staurday night, you could watch all of Jess Franco's greatest, and Eat Carpet, which was a show dedicated to showing fucked up short features. And I mean fucked up. Once I watched a short film about a 15 year old boy who got caught by his dad while getting nailed by his gay lover, so he got upset (the 15 year old I mean), threw gasoline over himself, lit a match and yeah, died and stuff. It was an Australian film, they sure do love those Dramedys.

ANYWAY, the love affair began at 10, when I watched this fucked up movie called 'The Devils Nightmare'.
It was my first real foray into foreign horror, and may have even been my first real horror film.
The other kids were fast asleep, the lights were out, and I started watching what seemingly started out to be an old Stock Footage style WWII film. It truly was kind of crap, and I got the remote to change the channel...Then a baby got stabbed.

Now I'm not an advocate of baby stabbing, but my curiosity was piqued, I mean, my 10 year old mind ran amok, becasue surely they didn't film nasty business like that in the olden days right?

Well wrong, as I found out in my later years, but as I decided to keep watching, the movie shortly turned to colour, and lo and behold, the title sprang over this outrageously amazing music. THE DEVILS NIGHTMARE. Ooer, sounds like scary stuff, do I change the channel? Hang on, I'll get the TV guide, hold up, whats this? Nudity? Strong Violence? Horror? Well, lets just see how we go ok?

What followed was the most absurd and strange film, terrifying at times, sexy the whole way through, but with the unintentional addition of slapstick humor to boot. I was big on Monty Python at the time, so anything that was unusual, I just laughed at, thinking it was deliberate.

The movie picks up after a WWII sequence during present day (back then it was present day anyway) with a group of SEVEN tourists, who are visiting somewhere, and get lost in shitty weather and are then forced to stay in a mooney castle, where a succubus comes and messes shit up for everybody, super inconveniently.
The SEVEN tourists then get picked off one by one by the evil bitch, and it is up to a proud Priest to stop her. Yes proud. Each of the SEVEN tourists represent the SEVEN SINS, and are all punished accordingly.

The super fox of the 70's Erika Blanc, plays the succubus.

She seriously was very nice to look at, pretty and sultry before I even knew what sultry meant. The movie is laugh a minute, lots of funny random shit and needlessly angry conversations between old men, a fat dude scoffing salami and chicken, a super awkward lesbian scene between a lusty nymphoid and a lazy bimbo. This movie honestly has the works. 10 year old me was enjoying the flipping heck out of this slapstick business.

Oh, then this happened...

Oh, dear God, what is it? Well the little synopsis on the tv guide said blah blah succubus rablah blah, but South Park had not been invented yet, and I had no idea what the hell a succubus was. This demon wench is still Erika Blanc, but by golly, you wouldn't know it. This pic actualy spooks me the hell out when I scroll near it.
So this psycho goes around for the last half of the film, haunting the castle, looming in the shadows, and creeping up on people, making the same sound the grudge kid does (30 years earlier beeeeotch,, take that!). Its actually kinda terrifying, I admit, I turned it over to something a bit brighter on the colour scale, but couldnt resist, I had to continue to the very end.
I was rewarded for it, and you will be too, once you join the club and dig on the goodies that this Euro sleaze fest has to offer.

The film is available in its english dub (I saw it originally in Italian with subtitles) which is the only way you can watch it. I own a four dvd set called Fright Night, which I believe is the going transfer for all other DVD releases made by Redemption in the UK and USA. Its a pity that no-one has decided to take this classic and remaster it properly. The verison I watched as a child, and on repeat viewings on the same channel, were very dark and atmospheric, with most of the outside scenes aside from the ending, set at night. The DVD clears up a lot of the fuzz, and looks rather nice, but all night times scenes are shown unfiltered, and now obviously look like daytime, which causes it to lose a lot of the chills in the chase scenes, and the gloomy exterior shots of the spooky castle.
I'll take it any way i can get it though, and even though this film is trashy and dodgy at best, it remains very close to my heart and i think once you get past the barrier of sillyness that overwhelms this movie, you may even find a place for it in your heart, hell you might even get a little freaked out by the succubus.

I mean, look at this bitch, shes fucking scary!!!

  

And for your consideration...THE TRAILER!!!!!!

 

As a side note the music in the trailer features in the movie too, you can get an awesome cd of the soundtrack to both this and A Doppia Faccia, with Klaus Kinski, as a soundtrack pack, its worth your money, as is this film! Enjoy!

Cover Story Not Included

We spoke briefly about the awesome power of VHS cover art. How it ignited my imagination and paved the way to an unhealthy obsession, I didn't mention however how this old friend of mine abused this power, how it tricked me, manipulated me and just flat out lied right to my face.

The VHS gave us a special gift, it allowed us to turn our homes into a private cinema, where we could watch whatever we wanted how ever many times we wanted. We owned a piece of the movie business for the first time and we were all hooked pretty quickly.  A market arose for films to be made purely for this format, and they were extremely popular. It didn't take too long for distributers to realize which movies under this elk proved to be the most popular, " too scary for the cinema" they would say "too steamy for the silver screen" they would promise, with pictures scattered all over the front and back cover of nearly nude goddesses and bat shit crazy gore everywhere, they tickled our titties and our blood lust alike and sucked us in. We thought we found a rare gem, an undiscovered classic that we can boast about to others later. We took it out of the case and into our VCR watched the trailers that accompanied it, noticing that they seemed pretty shitty but we just ignored this until the movie started and we realized we weren't watching what we bought. We were tricked and we will never forget or forgive.

Welcome to the true art of the VHS, misdirection. How many times have you picked up a VHS case and thought to yourself this looks awesome? the cover art is wicked with a painted visage of girl running away from a big house with her clothes falling off in tatters, on the back all you can see is a messy collage of boobs and red stuff spilling everywhere and you suddenly realize you're home. You kick yourself when you realize that film is actually about an old couple who keep a rabid half human in the basement and most of the film is a dramatic albeit poorly acted social  commentary about parenting with no boobs in sight. You feel like a fool, you curse the heavens and swear that you will never watch a video again! Until you see a big green cover with a beefy man beast carrying away a scantily clad model and the ruse starts all over again. This was how they got you, they didn't have much to promote their lesser known titles, the video stores were too busy promoting their blockbuster titles with promotional items that made you drool. They needed to suck you in somehow and the cover was the best instrument. With the VHS you always judged it by the cover. If you don't want to get caught out I discovered two rules by which I judged what I should choose after the tenth time i'd been had.

#1: If there is a crazy amount of gore on the back cover and that's all there is, there's a big chance that that is literally all there is. It probably wont be that scary and the gore scenes in it wont shock you because they are all on the cover.

2# The woman on the cover is almost never involved in the actual film. If she is really attractive and pretty much naked and you don't recognize her at all, she's a model and a venus fly trap, hiding something a lot more gooey with a ridiculous 80s hair style and an annoying habit of screaming too much.

Below are some of the best examples of VHS trickery, don't take this as a reason not to watch these, I will explain why. Some of these were actually a pleasant surprise, some of them weren't, but all were misleading.

This movie was actually quite enjoyable. Shadowzone released in 1989 by CIC Video, to me looked totally bad ass. admittedly I had absolutely no idea what this film was going to be about, our copy you see had the blurb on the back ripped off. There were a few pictures still scattered about but with no context to go by I was still lost. There was " Shadowzone a new dimension of unparalleled terror" and a picture of a man cast in shadow and a weird demon rabbit thing, so I discarded that information and went to the cover for answers. Some flying demon with a  lab coat, presumably a doctor or some sort. We can either assume that the demon has a doctorate of some kind, probably in pain or a doctor turned into a demon whichever you deem more plausible. There is a naked lady in a space age capsule, looks like she's asleep, maybe the demon or alien is sending human meat up to his planet to either procreate with it or eat it in a ritual fashion but not before he performs a lot of unnecessary surgery first, just for shits and giggles. Now this picture has a different tag line, which makes even more Ludacris assumptions. Now I think its going to be in space and some sort of rip off of Alien. On my video cover it says " on the dark side of dreams a new terror takes shape" WTF! now I'm just confused. Someone having a nightmare about Alien somehow conjures up an alien demon doctor who can phase through walls using lightning and snatches naked lady astronauts, got it! what a relief.

The actual synopsis is as follows:
After someone is killed in the subterranean project called "Shadowzone," a NASA captain is called in to investigate. In the project, sleeping subjects are induced into a deep EDS state whereby they become portals to a parallel universe. Unfortunately this causes adverse reactions in the subject, and something gets through the portal, the consequence of which is an attrition problem.

Well then no mention of flying, lightning wall phasing demon doctors there. Without giving any of the movie away, it was actually pretty enjoyable. Some pretty impressive gore effects at the beginning and some very very frustratingly selfish\stupid scientists ( including James Hong from Big Trouble In Little China and Louise Fletcher from Brainstorm). Fairly cliché but also host to some hilariously surprising moments. The girl in the capsule is not the girl in the movie, the girl in the movie is much more attractive.

I love this cover, It is so deliciously dodgy. It has absolutely no motion to it whatsoever like it was shot on a soundstage. The guy is a total badass and the girl is so blown away by his awesomeness she either cant see or has been rendered mentally disabled. If you are slightly confused its because on my copy the chick riding on the back has her head titled back and her eyes closed, I cant seem to find that one on the net though. This cover tells us that we are meeting the ultimate weapon in the fight against crime. This tells me two things, this guy is a vigilante because he isn't wearing a unifrom and that this movie is going to be a b grade action film with a very little known cast but a lot of great 'F'ing fun. I turn it on the back and see a bunch of lads with guns ready to paint the town red. looking like they are all going to a Universal Soldier party dressed as Dolph, I'm already in heaven. I was able to read the blurb of this one.

 Directed by Lawrence D Foldes 1983 Fellow High school Graduates, Kevin, Scott, Fred and Stan- are now at college. Our hero Kevin, starts developing strange notions about what is right and wrong in this corrupt world. This comes to a head one night when Kevin's sister is brutally raped and left to die. Kevin and his buddies set out to avenge her death by forming a vigilante group to hunt down the gang responsible. This chilling climax sees violent three way confrontation between the boys, the gang and the police with horrifying results.

Just wow, that sounds like this movie is going to deliver exactly what the cover is promising me. Lots of explosions, revenge, some bad acting but a hellova good ride... I have never been so pleased at being so wrong. This movie is one of the most serious and confronting movies I have ever seen. It's messed up and intense with an amazing performance from all the actors , I went in looking for some visceral carnage and ended up getting  a rare gem. I should have noticed the name Ernest Borgnine and realized that this was going to be special, it also a Cannon distribution film so, you know, that should have been a hint as well. That my friends is when misdirection can be a beautiful thing.




Oh Society you devilish thing you. I'm kind of cheating on this one. I'm using the example of how we misdirected the friends (or victims) of ours into watching this with absolutely no idea what they were getting themselves into. We showed this to a friend of ours , who we knew would like it, in the same weird and uncomfortable way we all do. We started by forbidding her to look at the back cover, so she would only have the front cover to judge the film by tee hee. So I'm going to delve into that for a moment. We have an artist rendition of a well dressed man looking very concerned, maybe a little distant, he knows something but is powerless to do anything. That or he's fed up with his dates penchant for the gross. Then we have an otherwise pretty girl in a nice dress pealing her face off like a mask she accidently put on with super glue. Her facial expression makes it look like the whole process is quite pleasurable. Apparently it's "all about fitting in" or "if we don't belong they'll eat you alive" as this cover suggests. Which conjures images of popularity in the school yard, corrupt teenagers pulling the façade from themselves to reveal the monsters they truly are. Either way we presume that the cover is a metaphor for what the film contains, possibly some form of flesh eating sorority 80s high school camp film style.

In actuality: total bat shit crazy carnage you will never wash from yourself even after you pass away.
I'm not telling you any more about it. I enjoy seeing how many people I can fool with this cover and the other cover you can inter change with it which is equally as vague. Do yourself a favour and don't look at the back cover and just watch it. ( for 18 and over only) enjoy.

I know So far in this list I haven't delved much into the disappointing side of misdirection. This is my key example. This cover has so much damn promise. Big spikey metal ball thing and a Robot ready to slash someone who looks remarkably like Ben Kingsley. This film looks like a sci fi fantasy with some very interesting visuals. I just really couldn't wait to watch it, it looked like a low budget version of Heavy Metal. My VHS blurb was as follows.

Sons of Steel is a futuristic action packed motion picture set in the gloom of an acid rain beaten metropolis. Step into the future... A harsh, emotionless world of humanoids vicious scientists, life extending drugs, pulsating rock music and the battle of supremacy. Only super hero Black ALice can prevent the devastation of being transported back in time to battle the evil forces of Oceana.

Fuck.. yes. Although fairly convoluted, this sounds like pure orgasmic glory. The pictures on the back suggest an interesting visual style. I'm going to enjoy this I thought. Nope.

I am an Australian, I don't mind some Australian films, but for some reason this country is obsessed with the image we want to portray to everyone else. I give this film kudos for steering away from coming of age dramas and dirty grimy visuals as we have come to expect but that doesn't mean I going to overlook the fact that this film was annoying, poorly written and extremely hard to understand even for someone who speaks with and hears the Australian accent all day every day. All this needed was two good actors and for someone to focus, and some violence, any sort. Oh and some fantasy and less blade runner references. The last thing you notice and the thing you wished you noticed first was that its M rated for "sexual allusions and occasional language" The half naked women and acid rain reference promised me excitement and all I got was a politically correct fuddled mess. It would have been excellent as a short story. I keep it around as a reminder that not all VHS taste as sweet as they smell.

I could keep going on and on, because there are oh so many and I haven't even delved into the fake actress cover craze of the 90s but I'm sure you fine people have other awesome things to do like make toasted sandwiches, which is exactly what I'm going to do right now. I might even grab  a VHS I haven't seen. Wish me luck.

Until next time. Safe Journey.

Jerry Goldsmith 1990 to 2004

So its been a few weeks, and I have not delivered the final part of my Jerry Goldsmith journey, and I am sorry. But now I feel like my computer may deem it worthy to NOT shut down in the middle of me writing this article (this is my fourth attempt).

With that aside, you are probably wondering why the fuck it goes to a random number like 2004? Well that because Jerry Goldsmith unfortunatley passed away that year. So without any further interruptions, lets get on with this!

1990: Total Recall

When a composer that has scored an uncountable amount of movie and tv music over a 50 year period gets up and declares a specific score to be his masterpiece, you generally perk up and pay attention.
The opening beats to this movie set the tone, the mystery and the action, along with an oncoming tidal wave of suspense and sci-fi operatic epicness. This score is the perfect blend of Goldsmiths action, sci-fi, and thriler related music, which suits the movie perfectly. It doesnt surprise me that Jerry Goldsmith deemed this score his best. It seems like this is the music he was working his whole lifetime to acheive, and this movie was the perfect platform to use it in. Every composer looking to score a sci-fi film need not look any further than this.
Listen to this why running out of breath on Mars.

1998: Deep Rising

First and foremost, if you haven't seen Deep Rising, why the fuck are you still here? Go watch it right now please.
There isn't much to say about this music, other than everytime the main theme pops up during this film about giant sea snake thingys, I want to dance to it, and load up a crossbow at the same time. The pounding and exotic nature of this music just sounds like a really fucked up time on a cruise ship, which is actually what the movies about, so go figure!
Listen to this when riding your gi-joe awesome boat across the high seas, you dance if you want to.

1999: The Mummy

Wow, i don't care what people think of this film, it rocked. It was entertaining as hell. The late 90's were Brendan Frasers years of glory. The 80's had Raiders of the Lost Ark, but all through the 90's there were no high adventure tales, old school danger and intrigue, anti-heroes getting the girl, fighting the local assholes, all that jazz, mummies, you know the stuff.
That was, until The Mummy came out.
Jerry Goldsmiths music in this is Egypt. Even if thats not the music they play in the bazaars there, we have been raised on hollywood version of Cairo, so that every time we see a pyramid, we hear this kind of music:

Dont listen to it for too long, your ears will hurt.
Jerry looks like he took inspiration from these sources however, and made his own action music out of it and made it more awesome. The music in the movie suits our feeble imaginings of Egypt and its grandeur, circa early 1900's.
Listen to this when you are escaping gigantic walls of sand, or Arnold Vosloo, or both, they are as scary as each other. 1.54 jumps up from behind and has casual sex with you by the way.

So ends our journey. Hopefully I have introduced you to a different train of though in regards to Jerry Goldsmiths movie music, and maybe even movie music in general. People don't seem to care that much anymore when composing scores, Harry Gregson Williams I am looking directly at you you transformer porn recorder.
There are few that keep the dream alive, amazing artists such as Michael Giacchino (Star Trek 2009), Brian Tyler (Bubba Ho Tep), and Ramin Djwadi (Game of Thrones) pumping out amazing music every step of the way. I also have to shout out Alan Silvestri, who keeps on making amazing music decade after decade, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.
Its a damn dirty shame that people would rather use generic, lame shitty music that would not even make it past the editing room usually. Theres an alarming 'That'll Do' attitude going on nowadays. Sorry to call you out again Harry Gregson Williams, but if you actually put a motif or two in the Total Recall remake, I might have actually enjoyed one of the 800 chase scenes, or one of the 500 other scenes that should have but didn't have ANY emotional impact.

I'll leave you guys with this, because it is kind of a segue into my next article about the dying art of Opening Titles. These opening titles reportedly cost over a million to make, which is nutbar city (population Salkinds) but I don't give a shit, it's not my money.

Yep, music by Jerry Goldsmith. By the way, this movie is fucking awesome.

For The Love of VHS - Part 1

Come back in time with me for the moment. Back to 1995, where everything was baggy, the Spice Girls were everywhere, everyone in your school was eating snack packs and trading Pogs, everyone was saying NOT after every sentance, rectiting stupid limerics like "miss mary mack mack mack, all dressed in black black black.." and the best thing to do with your spare time was to go down to your local Video Ezy and rent some vids. Well at least it was my favorite pass time.

I could think of absolutely nothing better than to get my five bucks and walk down to the video store and scope out all that this wonderland of entertainment had to offer me. I always made sure I went by myself, for two reasons; firsty becuase it was extremely difficult to convince your mum to allow you to rent something utterly stupid and secondly becuase I had an unhealthy obsession with the horror section. I went there first, I would walk through the door pretend to not know what I was looking for and "come across" the horror section tucked away there in the back. This place was forbidden to my ten year old eyes but I looked forward to picking up every single title on the rack and having a good look at it. They scared me and I loved it, I would never watch them from fear of reoccuring nightmares and my mother's wrath but there was one thing about them that drew me in and facinated me. The covers.

I have always been facinated with interesting works of art, something that intrigues you and something that makes you wonder what its all about. The VHS boom in 80s and 90s is a piece of pop culture history, revolutionizing how consumers receive cinemtaic entertainment, the invention of the home video was the beginning of everything. Back then there was no emphasis on high quality it was simply awesome to be able to take a ride with Hollywood in your own home. Nowadays people base their DVD or Blu Ray purchasing on how inexpensive it is or how high quality the picture or sound is, back then it was all about catching your eye. There were thousands of titles per year created by distribution companies purely for the home video market and all they had to sell them with was their hook. Most of the time they could do that with advertisments that bombarded your attention the minute you walked through the door but the most successful videos were those that wouldnt let you ignore them. They had big bright titles, boobs on the cover, an axe weilding maniac that wasnt even in the film. It was visual trickery for visual entetainment, it sucked me in and still does. To cap off this ode to the VHS cover I have picked my all time 5 favorite ones. Some of the films I haven't even seen ( I will once I find them) but I have never forgotten them.

Number 5:

I love this cover, It's simple, it's awesome and I dont even care what it's about. You get the general gist that there's a tape someone evil has possession of it, aparently during a full moon and there is going to be violence aplenty. I was instantly attracted to the cartoon aspect of it, it shouted out "FUN" and " I'M EVER SO SILLY". You can't argue with that.

 1983 Continental Video,
Synopsis: Well I was kind of right, this tape is a compilation of various horror and exploitation  movie scenes, most of which are very obscure, it's worth a look as an advertisment for further random VHS gold.

Number 4:

Oh man I would have loved to have put this cover higher up on the list but there are too many. I like to think that this crusty critter is extending his hand to me as if to say " Hey how fucking awesome is this? I'm riding the lightning in a frikkin television bra, give me five" I am more than happy to oblige.

1987 Embassy Home Entertainment.

A family come across a TV set, considerably stoked are they, little do they know that the TV will serve as a gateway for a zombie hell bent on tasty human flesh. It is said that the director was not satisfied with how gory the film was so he paid everyone extra to come back and film some extra gnarliness. Awesome level 20 achieved. Enjoy

Number 3:

I'm still trying to find this one, it's just too cool. Here's a dude who is already dead, he's all skin and bones literally but he is such a bad ass. The art work is amazing and the film shots, however un neccassary capture the 80s facination with home video violence perfectly. This cover tells you "come in for the hoedown stay for the carnage."

1988 New World Home Video.

This movie revolves around a "modern-day" deputy that tracks an abducted girl to a ghost town populated by the spirits of the past who took her. There are no limits to how badly I want to see this film. I want to hold it and hear it tell me all of it's delicious secrets.

Number 2:

This looks like an extremely elaborate heavy metal tattoo. I would like to imagine it draping down a metal head babe's bare back as she writhes all over her motorcycle listening to Anthrax. Ive seen my face there I'm not going to lie. I come across this cover from time to time and I smile that there are peices of art out there that not only have attitude but they are diretly realted to something that has an equally as awesome attittude. Everything about this cover is something that I dig and I'm happy to say it is a part of my life.

1989 Imperial Entetainment

Demons trick the population of a town by hypntizing them through rock and roll. Yes it is that cool and yes it is a corny 80s horror movie but if you cant have fun with it then you have no soul. Look at that cover and tell me you dont want to be a part of the grand design that is Black Roses.

Number 1 :

The second I saw this cover I fell in love. It is so retro, colourful and brutal at the same time. It is so hard to depict true action in a work of art and this picture has a movement to it thats endlessly energetic. The tag line is the best I have ever heard and the fluidity of the body line is perfect. Some friends of mine, knowing that I love this image dearly made me a shirt with it's visage. I may have peed a little.

1970 Vestron Video

 A serial killer, who drains his victims for blood is on the loose in London, the Police follow him to a house owned by an eccentric scientist. Okay so this movie has Vincent Price, Peter Cushing AND Christopher Lee. My mind  almost exploded at the sheer awesomeness of what I was about to watch. This is a little oddity of a film. Very retro and campy and not to mention somewhat irrational but it is a great ride and it features some very interesting scenes. Not for those who dont have the patience for slightly dated films.


There it is , my list in all its technicolour beauty, if you noticed a pattern then well done smarty pants you figured out I'm a horror fiend. Horror is the most creative and free form of visual media and it has capitivated me ever since I was too young to even grasp the concept. The gimmicks of yesteryear could be dismissed as cheap ploys to gain a buck but now as I become increasingly disilluisoned with distributors' lack of emphasis on packaging, I look back at these and see a subtle poetry to them. They tell a story on their own and I will always have my young imagination working away, testing the limits of this art form.

Stay tuned for part deux:
Cover Story Not Included