I get intrigued when I find $2 movies in bargain bins because I am all for watching terrible movies, because I am sure there is something I can laugh at! But there have been movies where I have wanted to gouge my eyes out and stab myself repeatedly. So here is my list!
Vampire Assassin - All kinds of WHAT THE FUCK...a 1000 dollar rip off, of Blade...and the movie is filmed so dark you have to squint at the TV to actually see what is happening...if you want to enjoy this, Vanilla Coke and Dr Pepper will not enhance the experience...you may need to be on a mixture of speed, cocaine and LSD. Look at this terrible poster...the tagline reads 'His Blade is Sharper'...pretty sure it isn't. Because if his blade was sharper then the main vampire would have freakin' died earlier on in the movie BUT HE DIDN'T.
Blue Demon - You think people in other shark movies are stupid? Well this takes the freakin' cake. The CGI is just unbearable. The acting is just terrible. And it isn't even violent...Tiff, Jake and I were sitting there saying how there was barely any violence and then we looked on the DVD cover and you know what it says? 'INFREQUENT VIOLENCE'..why the HELL would we want to watch a shark movie with infrequent violence...was sickening. Look I even found the DVD cover, what does it say???INFREQUENT VIOLENCE! I Would like to strap the director to a chair and make him watch this movie, because I am pretty sure he hasn't even seen the end product!
Prisoners of the Lost Universe - He Man RIP OFF! I do not remember much about it besides the fact that John Saxon is in it...something about travelling into another alternate universe...something about the blonde girl being a slave to John Saxons character. I dont know how it ended because we were just talking and expressing our sheer disgust for this movie...hey we were probably talking about movies we actually ENJOY watching...and Prisoners of the Lost Universe is something we definitely did not enjoy. Oh and just so you know the poster you can see from the movie is totally inaccurate...it is not as action packed as it looks..there was probably more action in the latest Jane Eyre film.
Now something dreadful happened one night...if you were present on this particular night you will remember the awful things we witnessed. No words can describe the horror of this next movie...Kickboxer King. Well it started off promising, it looked like it was going to be a really shit D grade American Martial Arts movie which I would have enjoyed...and then something happened...another story came into the film which threw us all off...we had no idea what was happening and we were certain that at some point in the movie the two plots would connect...Two hours nearly pass and we are praying that at the end it all comes together...and it didn't. It was just fucking terrible. But it turns out after I did some research that it was in fact two different movies just put together. Forums have suggested that the money for both films had run out so they thought 'HEY LETS ADD THESE TWO MOVIES TOGETHER THEIR PLOTS ARE TOTALLY THE SAME'....their plots couldn't have been more different. So think of everything you hate about movies and put them in a blender and add half the script to Rocky III and you have Kickboxer King.
So take my advice kids and do NOT watch these movies. Unless you really hate your life, and can't see it going anywhere. You never know you may see some similarities to the castration that is your life...but since only awesome people read this blog and not wet blankets I can see I have scared you off watching such things. No it's alright no need to thank me, you don't need to put me in your will, just maybe buy me a Dr Pepper some time.